Job Vacancy
Author unkown
POSITION: Mother, Mum, Mama, Ma
JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term, team players needed, for challenging
permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess
excellent communication and organisational skills and be willing to work
variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24
hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive
camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away
cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also
required.
RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least
temporarily. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the
physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in
three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the garden are not
someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical
challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and
stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and co-ordinate
production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organise social gatherings for clients of
all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one
minute,! an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product
safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated
devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must
assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work
throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to
remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly
retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can
ultimately surpass you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required unfortunately. On-the-job training
offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises
and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the
assumption that further education will help them become financially
independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing
about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you
could only do more.
BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition
reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, this job
supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if
you play your cards right.